"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10
This passage has been on my heart and mind quite a bit in the last several weeks. It has shown up in my devotional readings, in talks I've heard and articles I've read. I seem to not be able to escape it. I find that when this happens, it's usually God's way of saying, "Pay attention. You need this Word right now." I'm often a bit slow on the uptake, but eventually it seems to get through my thick skull and my even thicker soul.
This coming March 15th, will mark my 5th anniversary of being on staff at Quest Church. God has given me the privilege of encouraging our young parents, the joy of working with, training and supporting easily the best Early Childhood Ministry Team EVER :) and the blessing of walking alongside and learning from our children with special needs and their families. I recently told Pastor Katey that when I was hired I could not have even remotely imagined what my role and call has morphed into now, especially around disability justice and ministry.
Just before my hiring interview at Quest I ran into a friend. I was early and I had time to chat while I waited to be called to the conference room. When I told my friend why I was there, she told me, "I think you should bring up caring for children with special needs and their families. You understand some of what they may be going through. It would be great if you could bring that to Children's Ministry." I agreed this was something I would like to see happen in CFM and did, in fact, bring it up during my interview.
And now I had this amazing job. I was pretty confident about my early childhood skills. After all, I had been working or volunteering with young children in some capacity (babysitter, nanny, day camp counselor, camp counselor, Sunday School teacher, preschool teacher) since I was 10 years old. I had training, experience and was a parent myself. I understood things like developmental stages of Early Childhood, curriculum development and lesson planning, the need for large muscle movement and manipulatives for fine motor skills. I could explain the different types of separation anxiety, why the terrible 2's (or 1.5's or 2.5's) were terrible and how to cope with "big-sibling-itis" when a new baby was joining the family. It was not pride. I just knew what that I had the skills, knowledge and experience for this role. And I love littles! :)
But that other part....supporting families of children with disabilities. YIKES! I had no specific training in anything disability related. I had never been to a workshop or seminar, Christian or not, around disability ministry. I did not take any classes in special education or any more than the required psychology courses in college. My degree is in Biology with a focus on human anatomy and physiology, for goodness sake!
What I did have was my own life experience of being the child of, parent of, spouse of and friend of those with disabilities, as well as having disabilities of my own. My entire life I have lived with and loved those with disabilities. I had a desire to listen and learn from others. And I wanted children and parents to know that they belonged; that they were an integral part of the Body of Christ. I wanted them to know that while their church would never be perfect, we would do our best to help their child know that they were precious to God.
The thing is, although I had shared some things about how to teach our boys with a few individuals, I had very rarely spoken publicly about parenting children with disabilities or any of the other ways that disability had impacted my life. And I almost never spoke about my own disabilities. Especially within the church. Any church.
My only qualifications for this role were my own experiences. If I was going to follow God's call, I would need to share those experiences, to trust others with them, even as I was asking them to trust me with their own experiences. It would require me to embrace my weaknesses. No, my weaknesses were not my disabilities, although some see them that way.
No, my weaknesses were fear of vulnerability and lack of acceptance: of my children, my family, of me. I knew what it was to be rejected because of my disabilities. I had seen people I loved be ignored, cut down, even feared because of their disabilities. Loved ones had dealt with other Christians calling their faith into question or blaming them because of their disabilities. My fear was for not only myself, but for my family. And it was very real.
And yet, this was where God was calling me, out onto the waters of disbelief, mockery, rejection and ridicule, all the while reminding me that if I kept my eyes on Him, I would not sink into the waves. Reminding me of His truth: His grace is sufficient for me.
For a few months, I did try desperately to stay in the boat. I tried to only share my story in the vaguest of terms. I read books and quoted other disability advocates I knew. But I was asking people to be real with me amidst the same fears I had, but refused to face my own. I didn't get very far.
I had to step out, onto the waves of my fear, with my eyes fixed on Him, if I was ever going to make a difference for Him. Don't get me wrong. There have been times in the last 5 years when I have started to go under and He's pulled me back up. There have been times that I have gone scuttling back to the boat and said, "No way, Lord! That is not going to happen!" (Faith and Ability, for instance). There have been times when He has sent people to walk beside or even swim beside me (my very own Dori's from Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!") But the journey does continue.
I had to embrace my weaknesses, still do. I am a fearful person, not just in this, but in many areas of my life. And yet, look what He has done in and through (and sometimes despite me)! What started out as a meeting with one mom about her child with special needs, has become care for several children with special needs and their families, training for our CFM teams and our church staff, our annual Faith and Ability Depth Class, some basic accommodations for all ages with disabilities, planning for even better accommodations in our new building.
There is no way that I or anyone else could have done these things on our own. But when we acknowledge, accept, embrace, boast in our weakness, we show the world that His grace is sufficient for us, for His power is made perfect in weakness. When we embrace our weakness, we embrace our story, His story.
